Happ

it has been so long....

2004-03-19T16:38:00.000-08:00

it has been a very long time since i posted anything here.. aaah.. i even needed to click on forget my passwrod bottom.. weirdo! ..

This doesn't mean that i stopped writing. I have been filling my labtop with my writings.. the reason why i stopped posting things here is because the things i write in the forum (which one? lol) are enough .. i write too much thinngs whenever i feel ful of feelings, but i don't even take the time to edit them .. so i decided to keep my writings to me for now.. at least for the next few months.. and those writings will in sha Allah be compiled soon between two covers with an image on one of them, and dark as midnight will be the other...

revised for fortnight magazine

2004-01-18T22:19:00.000-08:00

What should I title it?

Last week, I had my eyes examined and I was told that I’m becoming a near sighted person. As a result, I had to wear glasses. I was amazed how everything looked so different with the glasses, and I got depressed because I didn’t know that I wasn’t seeing all these things around me. I thought that this was how these things looked in natural. Other people, with a perfect eye sight, were seeing different things, more beautiful than the fuzzy shady pictures I used to see. I wasn’t seeing the whole picture around me.

This remind me how we as human see things from one perspective and each one of us thinks that what he sees is the only picture of the word, while other people see the world differently. When other people tell us what they see or think, we conclude that they are liars. After a while when we wear the life glasses, we get to realize how stupid and narrow minded we were. We get to know how the beautiful full picture is and how we can make it more beautiful in our eyes and the eyes of others.

story:3layka bekolli zani

2004-01-18T22:10:00.000-08:00

Once the imam said: "al salam 3laikom wara7matu allah" announcing the end of the prayer, we followed by turning our faces to the right then to the left. A minute later, a tall young man stood up and walked two steps forward. Then he raised his hands, opened his palms and shouted loudly: "Allahoma 3laika be kol zani... allahoma 3laika bekol zani.. O God, punish every fornicator."

I was amazed that no one seemed to care or even to look at him... everything seemed usual

Out of criousity, i could not but ask about him. I looked around to see if there is a familiar face than i could ask, but everyone looked busy with their prayers and I didnot know who to ask. It was my first time to pray in this masjid.

Is this guy crazy? No... i am sure not. I decided to ask him.
al salam 3laikom,
wa 3laikom al salam wa ra7matu allah ..

Bro, can i ask u about what u said?
ooo bro. My story is something I would not hide... Even if i hide it from the people, how can hide it from their Lord.

I was born in a very religious family. My father was a religion teacher in the middle school and he raised us in accordance. I memorized the Koran when I was thirteen. I loved islam and i was so passionate to it unitll the day of departing came. I finished my hight school and I recieved a schoralship to study in the United States. The first things that came to my mind were that I would learn, invite pple to islam and benefit my country.

My father gave me the chance to decide my self. He said: " I can't prevent you from going to the USA..u r a man, and u can take decisions. However, u should be aware that four years in america is a log period of religious isolation...

I stared at him, not knowing if I should say something...
The way his face looked, the way he talked, made me feel hot tears in my eyes.. His words were full of emotions..I didn't say anything..
-
So i left to America. I became depressed. I wished that I didn't come to America from the first place. Here, religiously and culturally, it's not acceptable for women to uncover their body, but there, uncovering was something natural. I went through a transformation period in which it became natural for me to see a women's hear or hand... without even knowing that i was changing.

For several months there, i had almost no friends. It was rare that a male would seek a friendship of another male except if they were gays. And to be a friend of a girl was something i would never accept, i thought, until the day came.

It was a nice day. Students left the class in pairs with their friends and I left alone. I wondered if i can stand such life for four years. I went straight on to the bus station. I took the bus to go to my home which was 10 minutes away from there. Once the bus stop, a young girl stood up and got off the bus and I did. I just realized that I saw here once in the class. She walked and I walked behind her, not following her but heading back home.

She was scared thinking that I was following her, so she turned around and took a look at me. Something had changed in me. She was so beautiful. All of a sudden, I remembered that I was looking at a forign girl.. I then lowered my gaze. But again, without thinking about it much, i looked at the girl again. This time I scanned her whole body with my eyes. My eyes were hungry and I lost control.

She reached her home, entered and then she turn back and through the glass door, she stared at me as I was entering the next door.

Once I got into my room, I saw the praying rug that I left on the floor after praying al '9o7a. O my God! I cried. How could I do this. Where is the Koran I memorized..where is all the love to islam .. I felt that I was burning. I could not stop my self from crying: some words were ringing in my head"yabee3o deenaho be3ara'9en mn el donya"(بادروا بالأعمال فتنا كقطع الليل المظلم يصبح الرجل فيها مؤمنا ويمسي كافرا، ويصبح كافرا ويمسي مؤمنا يبيع دينه بعرض من الدنيا زائل)

No.. No.. i cired. but i was already trapped
-
I prayed the noon prayer. I made my sojoood very long and I asked Allah to protect me and forgive me... Then, I laid on my bed and I didn't wake up before the mid night. aaaaaah ..something is wrong with me.. I looked at al 7aram and now for the first time I slept and missed the prayers...

I prayed and then I spent 3 hours studying. I could not concentrate.. Her vivid colorful picture came to back to my mind. What should I do O my God? I decided to turn the stereo on and listen to the Koran. The voice came from the stereo, reciting from sorat al israa2:

وَلاَ تَقْرَبُواْ الزِّنَى إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاء سَبِيلاً

= "Nor come near to adultery. ..for it is a shameful deed and an evil road (to other evils)." (17:32)

When the recitor reached وَسَاء , he couldn't continue.. His voice disappeard. He was crying, crying from the core of his heart.. i could not bare it.. I turned it off.. but the voice continue ringing in my head.. And it's an evil raod... and it's an evil road.

I laid upon my bed..and slept. In the dream I saw my father, he looked at me from a far distance and he said:

كل الحوادث مبـداها من النظـر *** ومعظم النار من مستصغر الشرر

I didn't know what the dream meant. I missed my father and his teachings. Anyway, it was the morning. I got ready and went to my class. I arrived there early so I sat, as usual, in the first row. Someone came and sat next to me..
-Good morning. a nice voice came
I turned toward the source of that voice.. and there she was.. the same girl..
-hey , good morning..
- isaw you yesterda..
-yeah, it seems like we r neighbors.
we chatted until the professor came and started his lecture. After the lecture, she invited me to the cafteria for a cup of in coffee ,. i hesitated and then, i said: let's make it in another time.. i am sorry i have to go.
In my head, i was saying, damn, what am I doing? I should be nice to people, we won't do anything wrong, it's just a cup of coffee.

Then I headed back home. For the next week, she sat next to me every day. and we chatted about different stuff, life , culture.. She started to be interested in my culture as she heard me speaking about it...

It was monday, and we were supposed to have an exam next wednesday. She suggested.. Why don't we study togather for the exam?
I am sorry ( i quickly said).. I don't feel comfortable studying in a group.
-Her face became dark... I noticed that the relationship between us is becoming stronger.. I felt that she was upset.
-so I said: .. But if u need help with anything i can help u..
-Yes yes plz, i am having a hard time with this class. How about tuesday @ 5 pm in ur house.. or in my house, if u want.. u will meet my parents too.
I thought about it.. in my house we will be a lone... no..no.. I said: I will be happy to meet ur parents... let's meet in urs.
-
So we did. I knocked her door at 5. She opened the door and I entered. Her parents were not there. She was sad and said that they had to go somewhere. Anyway, I couldn't leave or i would be more than rude so we sat and started studying. After a while I was talking to her, but she did n't answer. I look up in her face.. She was smiling and staring in my face.. What's wrong? I asked. She said: Hey man, aren't you tired. Let's have tea. I nodded.

She made the tea and came toward me .. then she suddenly asked. By the way, i haven't seen you with anyone, do you have a girl friend? I kept silent for a while thinking...I was embarassed and i didn't know what to say.. then I said No.. I haven't met the right person yet. She smiled as if I told her some great news.

While she was serving the tea, she fell on me ... I donno what happened next. I don't how did i get to her room.. and i don't know how i did what i did. But i recall finding her between my arms.. i recall screaming in her face.. and i recall running home ... i dropped that class that same day and i haven't seen her next. But, something worst happened next.. (it is a shameful deed and an evil road (to other evils) .. it is a shameful deed and an evil road (to other evils)...it is a shameful deed and an evil road (to other evils)...it is a shameful deed and an evil road (to other evils)...
This verse came to me in all my dreams.. and then my life turned to that road. I next wake up everyday between different soft arms.. I touched all kind of flesh... i became an animal in a human body.. It was a hunger... but each time i tried to statisfy it, the hunger increased... and increased ...

a year later, my father came to me in my dream.. the same exact first dream .. he was still saying كل الحوادث مبـداها من النظـر

I woke up and i called home... My mom shouted: ur father passed away last night.....

That was the new turning point to me... my life ended there.. Now , thanks God. I am not doing any of the stuff i used to do .. but the evil road is still with me.. i can;t leave it.. it's effects are still following me.. i don't feel 7alawat el eiman that i used to feel.. I am lost.. and that's my story.. i, now, don't do zina... but now i can't be straight.. i fogot all the koran i memorized in my life... i am basicly a dead person ... and it all started with that look.. he ended..

Without saying a word, i turned to him my back .. and i went straight on to the door... my phone rang .. i look at the id.. it was her... Nora... should i take it? should I take it? I answered..
she said: .. where are u? is this what a guy is supposed to do in his first date? wainek?
-Nora, I said crying .. it is a shameful deed and an evil road to other evils.. i looked up and said, el 7md lellah ... i was thinking if i should stop at this masjid to pray before i meet her...

preparing to die

2004-01-09T19:55:00.000-08:00

don't read!.. u won't understand.. this just a preparation....

http://www.geocities.com/saflanalin/
2:259; 6:60; 10:45; 16:21; 18:11, 19, 25; 30:55

6:60, 40:46

8:50, 47:27, 79:1

8:50, 47:27, 79:1

http://www.submission.org/hhd.html

Break: The KORAN

2004-01-05T13:55:00.000-08:00

Are u in?
I am trying to run a campaign among my friends to memorize the Koran using the new methods of NLP language.
You will be able to memorize at least one page per day pefectly. Not much time is needed, as long as you pray the prayers on time, especially al fajr. If you do, then u passed half the preparation.

I will summarize what Dr. Ya7ya al '3othaei wrote.. so long, but informative. If i couldn't manage to sammarize it, i will tell u where to find it.
Mainly, our plan includes:

1- sleeping early.
2-waking up 30 minutes before al faj.
3-the first 5 minutes, read the page.. warm up.
4-then start memorizing ( i will tell u how later)
5-pray al fajr.

6-Read what u memorized in ur al '9o7a prayer.
7-After praying al 3a9r, listen to the page being recited by a reciter with a nice voice u like.
8-before sleeping ... sammi3.. and raji3..
9-In ur qiyam, read them again.
10-This is along with ur usual reading of the Koran.

*You have to have someone to keep u on track .. If I know u, i don't mind, i will bother u with questions lol and i will kill u if u didn't memorize it :D.

this whole thing won't take more than 50 mintes from ur day, but u will memorize the Hole Koran and you will have something to keep you with the prayers.

DETAILS WILL FOLLOW. (spread the word)
-------------------------------

Need a revelution!

2004-01-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

"Two different worlds, clearly distinguished"--> An old fasioned sentence which used to be said in both worlds. The two worlds had slept. Then, one of them suddenly woke up and the other kept sleeping. The first world kept saying: "Two different worlds, clearly distinguished". But when the second world woke up, this sentence was forgetten by its people.

Under a painful attacks from the other first world, the second world started recalling the sentence, the rule... However, it was hard for the people to remember, so an echo came to being, an echo of the first sentence: "we are two different worldS, and we, the second world, MUST work hard to make the two worlds, one"

enti7al sha'79eyyah .. i am a new moslem

2004-01-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

*!~: i dreamt that i am the following: i am a new moslem..... This came after i saw an American entering in islam .. coming to Friday prayer and looking around trying to immitate pple in the way they pray... this was heart breaking ..and refreshing..
----------------------------------

i am a new moslem, entering a mosque on Friday, 2 days after converting to Islam. I looked around me and i obsereved amzaing things. Some people where performing their prayers in a way i still haven't learnt. I envy them, they can pray to Allah, putting the knowledge they have in actions. I wish I can pray. I said this with tears flooding out of my eyes. I recalled what the man who guided me 2 days ago to Islam told me .. He said, u r lucky, many pple were born moslems, they have the knowledge but they don't use it.. " THIS was strange!! how come? people know how to pray and they don't... I wanna know the minimum knowledge to start praying ...

Other people were reading the Koran with a nice voice... I wish i can read it in its original language, not the transilations... I wish I can read Allah's words directly from him to me through his Holy Book...

After few minutes, the mosque became full of people. There was no space left. the Imam stood and started talking. I did not understand everything because he was using technical words like 6aharah, rasool, deeen ... I wished i know what he was talking about ..I looked around and i saw some pple chatting.. A man was leaning to the wall and snoring.. children were playing in the back making noise... I wondered how come they don't listen ..they can understand, at least.. I don't!

Then, i saw an amazing image. A man called for the prayer (athan) and i saw everyone standing and in less than ten seconds, everyone was standing in straight lines next to each others.. In the prayer, their movements were identical... I recalled the picture of a conferense i attended were the number of people were the same.. I was among the organizers and we wanted to change the room, so we called upon pple to go to the next room... This was so noisy step and it took us more than 15 minutes to get things straight.. How come this man with one call, made all these people be in straight lines and perform the same actions in this magnificent way... This is not something people can do ,, this is what the ONLY and ONE GOD can do, I realized i made the right step to join Islam.

Thinking about that I remembered something that grapped my attention,a sentence the Imam said in his speech. He said : "people are joining Islam, not because of us, Moslems, if they look at our situation and acts these days, they will never be moslems, but it's all about Islam and the Will of God."
--------
I am moving the homepage to a new server. I will post a note here soon.

Another very important old email..with minor changes

2003-12-30T21:11:00.000-08:00

Lots of times, I hesitate to write back to many of my friends because I don't want to bother anybody or to be overwhelming.. I felt the same when I got your email.. I thought maybe I shouldn't reply until sometime passes because I thought most people have other things to do (i.e. busy), but when I came to what you wrote here:

"At times, I feel very isolated, as if I am committed to subjectivities that people do not care to see or to do away with, since it is difficult to admit to our own restrictive assumptions at all levels and how we deny each other proper degrees of respect and integrity within different spaces constituting our lives. "
a very beautiful piece written by a friend

I really felt that you were talking about me. I have always been feeling isolated in a way from people, even from my closest friends, "the others". Am I wrong? Or Are they wrong? Is it natural? I don't even know the answers but what I certainly know is that I like how I'm but always struggle and struggle to be better.

For example , if you remember when I was struggling to define how I should act: according to the UAE values? Or according to the American values? It was easier for me there in Philly to reach the conclusion I reached but here (in the UAE) it's different... in the USA , no body knows me before but here I was Saeed and I think I'm still Saeed but everybody else here thinks I’m totally different ..

Yes, I’m the type of person that I get affected by everything I encounter in my life... 9 months in Philly certainly changed a lot, especially in the way I look at other people and the way I like them to look to me, at my race.. and at themselves and to the other people..

But even if I have been changed, I’m still Saeed. Not the American version of Saeed!! This is annoying. He who thinks will be changed.. Hopefully to the better.. but how can we define the better and according to which values..

I'm sorry! I feel confused my self and I’m afraid I confused you.. It’s very complicated and huge for me and I’m not sure I can handle it...

- Also, in Philly I saw and experienced things that no body here experienced, One of them is how the religion is far different that the traditions...

When I was here in the UAE before going to Philly, there was no need for me to differentiate my tradition from my religion ... but in Philly, far from my tradition, I saw that it was very important for me to do so... my religion is something that is not changeable .. My religion is something that the time can't change; the Devine is beyond time and place... it's beyond our ability to comprehend. However, my traditions are things that are different according to the time frame... and the traditions are not necessary stable.. They are adjustable and changeable to according to people’s interest, which differ with time

When I came back here t o the UAE, my experience has gone.. But the importance of knowing where each zone (the religion and the traditions) lies, differs, and meets is still there... However, I feel it my self. (only… alone

This is a hard struggle for me, Between my self, my ideas my friends and my community.

This is not saying that I believe in the secular systems. Secularity, to me, means scarifying religion for the sake of daily life…. What I think should be happening is scarifying life and traditions for the sake of religion.. Traditions are important to me, but it’s nothing to me, once it becomes against me beliefs, religion or even daily life.. I will always be change traditions to be better, but I will never change in my religion because it can not be better.. it’s perfect.

- It's really a very crowded world where people don't stop for a moment to think about the meaning of their lives, but I do .. and that's why I’m still Happ not Saeed...and I think I might not find my "Y" or I might not like to find it, Because happiness has no peak (highest point) in this life.

For me, I won't reach an inner piece until I’ll reach """something""" I can "preach" and that is not likely to happen soon.. I don’t know if I will come to a point where I will build an ideology that fits this world.

Thanks for your very deep email.
P.S. About writing stories, I’m also struggling between Arabic and English.. Can English represent what I’m thinking in my Arabic mind? I donno

why i got to catagorzie the thinking!!!
Best,
Saeed

old piece... I am loosing my eye sight and everyone too

2003-12-30T12:18:00.000-08:00

Last week, I had my eyes examined and I was told that I’m becoming a near sighted person. I had to wear glasses. When I did, I was amazed how everything looked so different, but I got depressed because I didn’t know that I wasn’t seeing all these things around me. I thought that this was how these things looked in natural. Others, with a perfect eye sight, were seeing different things, more beautiful than the fuzzy shady pictures I used to see. I wasn’t seeing the whole picture around me.

This remind me how we as human see things from one perspective and each one of us thinks that what he sees is the only picture of the word while other people see the world differently. When they tell us what they are seeing or thinking, we think about them as liars. After a while when we wear the life glasses, we get to realize how stupid and narrow minded we were. We get to know how the beautiful full picture is and how we can make it more beautiful in our eyes and the eyes of others.

Some old sad emails(u don't need to read this)

2003-12-29T13:44:00.000-08:00

Some days ago, I don't know why, I started reading some old hotmail msgs that I recieved in the last few months when I came to an email that reminded me of the death of my sister.. this was heart breaking but Thanks God, I had many of my friends who helped me.
This was my original email to them to tell them about her death...Even thought death is not something we want to remember but we have to,

Dear all ,,, (my sister died)

It’s not easy at all to feel that, to this person, you will no longer be able to talk,,, you will no longer be able to touch or even see

This is what happ said to him self as usual, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but this time his words weren’t clear .. even for him self … between each word and the other , they was a big tear coming down from his eyes entering his mouth and then washing the words ….. The tears, then, slip on his lips and go down on his neck drawing her beautiful name there,,,,

When his father entered his room saying: Oo Happ , Oo dear, Oo sun … your loving sister passed away to the other life… Happ stopped thinking.

At that moment Happ hugged his father trying not cry … he told his father: Oo dad, for God what he gave and for him what he took… Happ didn’t know exactly what to do .. Should he cry?? Should he be strong and….smile?? Or should he shout … or what ??

Happ has no idea… He remembered the last year when he was told that his uncle died … he was confused … he certainly knew that everybody will die ..but he never imagined what does it mean to be dead or even to have a very close dead person ….. How does that feel …

Happ remembered too that he read a poem about death… he searched for that poem and read it again .. it was titled .. last breath

From those around I hear a cry

A muffled sob, a hopeless sigh
I hear their footsteps leaving slow
And then I know my soul must fly!
A chilly wind begins to blow
Within my soul from head to toe
And then, Last Breath escapes my lips
It’s time to leave. And I must go

So, it is true ( but it’s too late)
They said each soul has its given date
When it must leave its body’s core
And meet with its eternal fate
Oh mark the words that I do say,
Who knows? Tomorrow could be your day,
At last, it comes to Heaven or Hell
Decide which now, do not delay!
Come on my brothers let’s pray

Decide which now do not delay..
Oh GOD! Oh GOD! I cannot see!
My eyes are blind! Am I still me?!
Or has my soul been led astray,’
And forced to pay a priceless fee?!
Alas to dust we all return,
Some shall rejoice, while others burn,
If only I knew that before
The line grew short, and came my turn!
And now, as beneath the sod

They lay me (with my records flawed),
They cry, not knowing I cry worse,
For they go home, I face my God!
Oh mark the words that I do say,
Who knows? Tomorrow could be your day,
At last, it comes to heaven or hell
Decide which now , do not delay!
Come my brothers let’s pray
Decide which now do not delay…

After a while, people started visiting and calling … and Happ found himself obligated to tell the story of death ,, THE story of missing his sister.. she was not very sick … she only got a fever for 1 day … poor people … they even don’t know when they are gonna leave … or when they are gonna be left behind…

Yes ! her death was not easy to be accepted by Happ ..
Yes ! she was close to him … and Yes ! she was special for the whole famil.

BUT ,, her death at that time !!! her mother refused to leave her to anywhere since she was born … because she was disabled .. she couldn’t move or talk .. she only could smile and cry …
Her mother was with her all the time ,,, but at this time … when her mother left her to go on a visit to Saudi Arabia, my sis left as well as her mother … but her mother is coming and she is not ..

When people came to visit Happ’s family .. Happ was feeling very strange .. people were eating like if nothing has happened .. Happ was wondering how come they could eat while they knew they will not see somebody they used to see. ..

Pooor sis… Pooor Happ … Poooooor their mother .. Pooor people…

For sure , Happ will never forget HIS sis … NEVER >..
Her death which seems to be a weakness point for Happ is going to be turned to motivation point for Happ …. Happ, who knows that hw will meet Her at some point , promised himself to make her proud of him ….

God bless you sis.
============
These were two responses i chose from what i recieved
-------------------
This was from Mika, a Japanses Ph.D English writing student who used to work (part time) in the institute I was in. SHe help me with my writing alot, and in the bookclub. Allah yehdeeha.
-------------------
there is a sky
that holds the souls
of those we feel
but can no longer
touch
the warm poetry
of embodied breath
and flush, blush, a rush
the pulse of a beating
heart

so we press
a breaking soaring
tearing lovely dewy
image
breathless abstractions
to our fragile being
in grace within
the spaces of our thoughts
our flights
escaping visions of those
we will always love
never forget
in prayers in sleep
in time our celestial
creatures deep within
our core
a conscience a light
a searching
for a question
that contains
the eternal answer

mika
------------------------
This was my English teacher, Barbara ... She helped me a lot with the Islamic Awareness Session that I organized to clear the misconceptions about Moslems in the USA. Allah yehdeeha...
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Oh Saeed,

It broke my heart to read your e-mail. I am so very very sorry. I just can not come up with appropriate words to say to you right now. It is so hard. I lost my mother two years ago and, like you, it was the first death of someone very close. I can totally relate to the feelings that you had --only in your case, the case of a sister so young, it is so much sadder and so much more painful. You should cry and you should be strong and you should smile and you should shout. You should scream and cry from the top of your lungs. All of those things again and again will all help you. I know you must feel like you want to just stop the world and make everyone realize how wonderful your sister was. Those feelings remind me of this poem ....

*Poem "Stop the Clocks" adapted from: *W H Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let the aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message She is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I like that poem, but I disagree with it. Love DOES last forever and ever and GOOD can still come after death. Like you said it is your obligation to go on and make her proud of you. That is what she wants.

It is so hard. I lost my mother two years ago and, like you, it was the first death of someone very close. I can totally relate to the feelings that you had only in your case, the case of a sister so young, it is so much sadder and so much more painful. I didn't know your sister, but I do know that she was very lucky to have such a loving brother and devoted mother. I'm sure she felt your love everyday of her life. Having lost my mother I can tell you that when the devastating pain subsides you will realize that you CAN still talk to her, you WILL still feel her and even SEE her. She is with you still. She listens and you can feel her presence. It may sound strange or cruel to hear those words at this point (i can hear you say NOOOOO I want to REALLY have her) I know you do, but I also know that what you get to keep of her you will cherish -- just as you will cherish the fact that you will be with her again someday.

Oh Saeed, thank you so much for sharing your beautiful words with me. As I always knew you were an amazing person and you are going to get through this. I know I'm so far away and e-mail seems so cold for a time like this, but let me know if there is anything at all I can do for you. You and your sister and you family will be in my thoughts.

Please take care. Peace.

Barbara

BREAK- Writing in Arabic

2003-12-29T06:43:00.000-08:00

The last time I wrote something i consider readable in Arabic was Augest 2002. I used to write and write in Arabic and I enjoyed it. However, after i left to the USA, I lost my ability to write in Arabic. When I first arrived at the US. I was honered to meet an English Writing Ph.D student named Mika. She was from Japan and she used to work(part time), in the student center in the inistitute which I studied English in.

She, along with an English teacher, Nigel, formed a book club. IN that club, we used to read a novel every session(7 weeks) and discuss it in our weekly meeting as well as online. Mika used to motivate us to write and I did. For 8 months, i was struggling to write in English. At those 8 months, i did not read anything in Arabic. I was loosing my ability to write in Arabic, but i was gaining a new skills and a new ability to write in English. I wrote and wrote and each time I ended up throwing what i wrote in the trash or deleting the file, if it was in my labtop.

In my last month, i faced a struggle, where i was stopped, with some friends, by 3 police cars because we took pictures. We were invistigated closely. Answering my question about the reason that made these cops to invistigate us, one of them said: "someone called saying that three arabic guys were taking pictures for the Brooklyn Bridge".. These words changed me alot. How come I am being suspected and invistigated , just for looking arab.

From that point on, mane things changed in me, some of which were the following. The first was my pride in showing that i am a moslem arab. I don't deal with anyone without discussing my arabic islamic backgrownd and also show it on my appearance. The other thing was the writing. From that point, i created an imaginery person called Happ(I will post it soon even thought it was the first production and not that great) about whom i wrote my first short story and then continued writing about. Because of Mika's support and her nice words as an expert in the field, I contiued expressing any struggle i faced in English.

Going back to the UAE, i faced a new struggle. I couldnot express my thoughts in Arabic as I used to do before. I couldn't either do it in Englsih because of a feeling of guilt toward Arabic. HOWEVER,

I got an email from SALEM recommending me to read from the this website http://www.alhodaif.com/. I was amazed to read for Dr. Mo7ammed al 7o'9ayf. Really great author who writes about realistic issues i love. I felt that the style I wanted to write in, in arabic is this style... MAN U GOT ME... Now, i have a new feeling. peace.. internal peace to write in Arabic again. This morning, an old dream came back to life. I started once writing my book in arabic but i stopped. Now, i will start from zero again and I will look forward to have my book this summer. I will do my best to get my arabic abilities back, but at the same time, continue to improve my englsih writing.
yzaaak Allah '7air ya salm.. u did something u never thought u would do.... in sha ALlah, I will revive my project with s3ad again.

A good cause (#1)

2003-12-28T14:54:00.000-08:00

I always believed in having a good cause for every thing unless i prooved otherwise. I try to do my best to find a good cause for anything that happen to me. However, this is not always the case. Sometimes, even after searching for hours and hours I can not find a good cause for the things that happen to me. For example, having someone jumping in my profile in a forum and adding a teens' website as my homepage is something that i found so hard to explain gently.
-----------------
once, we were 1
A msg from Saeed:

"Once, we were two me & my friend, and now we shall be two again. We were in a box. We lived together. We argued. We disagreed. However, we were two souls in one body. Our dissagreement was never more than a diversity of respected opinions that i thought it would never drive us to be two dead souls in two bodies again.

Dissagreeing with one another, we lived in that box. We never dissagreed for the sake of disagreement...We were never driven by our dissagreement, too. but moments ago, u broke that rule. You could not keep the dissagreement in the ideas.. you could not support ur thoughts, and u did not want to believe in new ideas. That's fine, but when u lack supports and try to seek support in destroying me, the box shall not contain us both. It's either me or your new methods of proving ur thoughts.. It's either me or the Satan u decided to follow when u did what u did.
If I stay, one of us would be destroyed.

"To u, To u i shall write and write to teach how to disagree" I thought. But then, i realized, the problem is not in the knowledge or the skill of disagreeing but it's the desire to use that skill peacefully or not.

That's why, my friend, I decided to leave u for a day in which we will meet if a change is touched. I assure you that i forgave u from the very first moment u commited ur crime, but I DONNO IF YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FORGIVE YOUR SELF.

I have to tell you that what u did was so offending ...

Please forgive me too and accept my goodbyes ... the box is urs from now on.. use it wisely and plz plz never use others' keys because that's 3aib and know that even if i did not see you taking my keys, God sent someone to protect me. PEACE

A sudden death..with no preparation

2003-12-27T18:46:00.000-08:00

Allah yer7amhom
--------------------
I was there:"a magnitude of 6.6"
"I was there. I was there", I shouted. At that year, i ended up to be the only one who survived from my extended family. I was only seven years old at that time. I did not even shed a tear.

My mother was arguing with my father weather he should accept a new job offered to him by the local government or not. I still recall her sharp voice trying to convince him not to take the new offer, but he said: We need to change our life.. look around, do u wanna stay in this old house for the rest of ur life? She did not answer... everything started to look shady...the house was shaking and "dust" covered the place... my father shouted for me to run out of the house and i did but he couldn't follow me. i was waiting outside, but he didn't come out. People were running out of their houses... they looked scared. I wondered what does that mean? they were so quite few moments ago... i looked around me seeing some people running over the bodies of other.. nothing looked familiar...

Standing on a hell next to the houses, i saw everything disappearing ... buildings decided to collapse on the people inside them. From among 100 thousands people, only 20 thousands including me survived. Others were killed by the wild nature or were at least injured. At one point i was waiting for the game be finished. I thought that this was a silly game. I also thought that it might be a dream, but it was not. It was real, i realized, but never shed a tear.

A woman from another village took me. She was trying to help after what happened in the disaster. The next day, i asked her, where are my parents, grandba and grandma.. Where are my uncles? my neighbors? where are the familiar people i used to live with.. she answered: my son, they went in a journey and they might not come back whereupon i cried saying to her that she was a liar.. My father didn't leave the house... i was waiting outside, but the house disappeard.

She told me that they all died. I did not know what did death mean, and she tried to simplify it for me: it's when people don't have any more energy to stay with us, so they go to God."

I stopped asking but that was not convincing to me. I saw Dad and Mom arguing with powerful voice... they were so strong, how come they lost power in seconds? How do they go to God? I too wanna go to Him!

I lived my the rest of my life untill now without asking any questions after that..
I forgot everything but i still can't forget one image that sticked in my mind. In my first week, the woman took me back to my ruined villiage .. Some familiar faces were there.. Life seemed very different, where is the soft life we used to live.. now, nothing but some tents and people crying over the people whom i was told "lost their energy.".. My new Mom, the woman who took me, said: it was of a magnitude of 6.6"...what did that mean? Does this has to be with the energy lost or what. I questioned my self why all of these people lost energy at the same time? and why did they turned the buildings down into nothing.

Now, when I think back about what happened at that day, i see it from a grown up perspective... different than what i saw as a child. I now know that it was an earthquake that killed people, but I still can't understand what's death and why all of these people went to God at the same time..

Now it's my time to shed tears and it's yours.. I was there ... and i was the only one from my family who survived an earthquake of a magnitude of 6.6 . No one knew that they would loose all their energy at that moment or that they would end up only as flesh under the mud.

O people, remember that among us, no one know when he might loose energy. This loss might be easy and ordinery or might be davastating ... your flesh migth find someone to burry or it might be burried in a similar place as Bam. Remember that after you loose your power, you will go to God, and prepare for that meeting. I don't wanna stand in front of Him unless I am prepared, but the problem is that we have to go to him in a sudden. I am the only person who have the right to talk about this sudden because i was there, i was there under a magnitude of 6.6... i wanted to go but never allowed"

taken from a lecture given by a survival from the Iranian earthquake, in 2020.

Please don't forget that u r the next to loose power.

http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/meast...uake/index.html
la 7awla w la qowata ella bellah.

Animals' rights

2003-12-25T12:20:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine UAE_STYLE, Yousif.. or i should say a brother, described a situation he faced where he saw a kitten dying after somebody drove on it. His way of describing it made me really think of my end. He said that it was looking at him trying to say something but couldn't..and then he saw the kitten leaving this world for ever. He used to see it all the time.. this Kitten used to follow him when he would go tp pray al fajr... This made me think that an action should be taken ... This letter is from that cute , cat, kitten to Yousif.
--------------------------
Dear Yousif,
If you still recall, I am your kitten. I never thought that you would act in this way. I thought once you saw me dying, you would ruin the world and you would turn it upside down, but you acted as everyone is acting, too much of words with no actions.

When you saw me in my last moment, i tried hard to press on my pain and tell you that I would miss you; I gathered all the energy and strenght i had to say it, but i ended up, as I hope no one will end up, speechless.

It's odd how painful it's just to imagine death. But being in death itself is the most painful. when you feel that you are leaving for good and that you, to this person, no longer would be able to follow or talk,, you will no longer be able to touch or even see .

I have no doubt my friend that as you are reading my message, the tears are slipping down from your eyes, getting into your mouth and then covering your nick with my name. Three days before someone hit me, my best friend was in the same situation. A car hit him and the man in the car stopped his car and rushed quickly to see if anything happened to the car. After a second, he cursed my friend after killing him and went in his way. i woder my friend, at what point would someone say no to the way you humans are treating us. Some of you would put us in a high state that we are not to be in.. others would turture us to death. Are you going to stop at any point?

Yousif,
There is no need for me to remind you that it's not a choice that you humans were given, whether you want to be nice with us or not, but You have to. It's an obligation. We might be a door for you to one of the ends, Heaven or Hell. Yes, we are not given the chance to sue you in this life, know my friend, that in the Hereafter, we will get our rights back.

So, in my letter, i am asking you to stop talking on how greif it is that I left you and that you miss following you in the fajr prayer. Here, i am asking you to take actions. Go around, check for my friends. I do n't want my races end to be the same as mine. please help me. Spread the word of God. God who forbids you from being evil to us. Otherwise, my friends, you might end up as I ended up, not being able to say anything. I could not say bye to my friends. I tried hard and hard to mention my God as the last thing in this life, but something stopped me. I was banned. Maybe because I wittnessed my friend dying earlier and I did nothing but crying on him when i was supposed to work harder to stop the tragedy. Don't think that it's easy to say what you want at the last moment. He who do not work for that moment, will have no voice and will be speechless when a word is worth millions.

I wish that you will continue being nice and will bring others to be as nice as you are, to care about us as God's creatures.

Know that i will meet you again, O yousif, but in that meeting, i wish that i will sue you not. I warn you my friend that even though my love to you is as great as a huge stable mountain, but this mountain will be turned down if you kept silent. you have to make the first step to preserve our race.

I am leaving you for a day that we will be gathered,
Your cute Kitten.

Jihad in the Koran:

2003-12-24T23:44:00.000-08:00

Jihad, full answer
Jihad in the Koran:
----------------------
I'll be editing it to make sure there are no grammer, spelling mistakes.. This is not really a story as it is information

Happ, for many years before coming to United States, lived in a Muslim community. He believed in Islam and had no doubt in any of its aspects. When the tragedy of September 11 occurred, Happ was in the United States, and as many other Muslims in the East and the West, he tried to convince people he met that what they see in the American media about Muslims is not true and that the American media is biased against Islam. He told everyone he met that Islam has nothing to do with violence or with killing innocent people. Sometimes, he would tell people that the word “Jihad” only means the internal struggle in the sake of God. Happ continued to do so until he was faced by this embracing situation which he narrates as the following:

Once I was browsing online and I came upon a website that was devoted to show Islam as the worst religion ever and show Muslims, who follow Islam, as terrorists. Ted, the one who designed the website had a son, who died in the disaster, and whom body couldn’t even be found. I understood how this father felt, but I wanted to help him understand that Muslims, who follow Islam and the teachings of God, are not terrorists and that the people who committed that crime were not representing Islam. So, I emailed him to help him and in my email I wrote:

“It’s not easy to loose a beloved son. It is not even understandable or comprehensible to have a son killed in so called ‘attacks in the sake of God’. This is something no one can deny.”

Then I went on to my main purpose of writing that email:
“Reading what you wrote in your website, my heart was really crying as I realized the death of such a great son in such a grief tragedy and the fact that you saw Islam as the one to be blamed for such an utterly awful crime. I thought you may want to know that as Muslims value their children’s lives, they value others’ lives. Islam is all in all a religion of peace, starting from its name, which means peace, to its great teachings. Muslims and other people from other religions have given great examples of coexistence such as in Muslim Spain or in old Palestine. I wish that you further examine the issue and I assure you that Islam has nothing to do with violence…”

The following day, I received a ten-page reply for my email. In that reply, Ted included what he said was the proofs that Islam is all about killing innocent people saying to me that I need to examine my religion more carefully because it appears to him that it’s either that I was lying in my email or I do not know my religion. He quoted all the verses in Koran where there are any indications that the Koran might justify the September 11 attack. Reading Ted’s email, with all the ignorance I was in, I was shocked. Going through verses like:

“Fight those who believe not in God and the Last Day
and do not forbid what God and His Messenger
have forbidden-such men as practise not the
religion of truth, being of those who have been given
the Book-until they pay the tribute out of hand
and have been humbled.” Koran 9:29
I thought: “wow , so in the Koran, Allah orders us to fight the people if they didn’t become Moslems, I didn’t know that!”

“Make ready for them whatever force and
strings of horses you can, to terrify thereby
the enemy of God and your enemy, and others
besides them that you know not; God knows them.
And whatsoever you spend in the way
of God shall be repaid you in full;
you will not be wronged.” Koran 8:60

So actually Allah ordered us to be terrorists and spread terror among the non believers and frighten them!
“O believers, fight the unbelievers who are near to you,
and let them find in you a harshness; and know that God
is with god-fearing” Koran 9:123

So we are supposed to be harsh with people who do not believe in Allah and we have to fight them! It seems that I have to study my religion more. Maybe it’s true that we have to fight them.

For the next two weeks, I was struggling with that issue. I felt that this was the first time I read these verses. I didn’t know what to say or how to answer Ted. Are we really obligated to fight others? Why? Isn’t Islam a religion of peace? Maybe it’s true that we should fight them. Maybe it’s just me, an ignorant person who knows not much about what he practices. I recalled that Allah says in the Koran:

“Count not those who were slain in God’s way
as dead, but rather living with their Lord,
by Him provided,
rejoicing in the bounty that God has given
them, and joyful in those who remain
behind and have not joined them, because
no fear shall be on them, neither shall they sorrow,
joyful in blessing and bounty from God,
and that God leaves not to waste the wage
of the believers.” Koran 2:169-170

So I said to myself: isn’t the dream of all Moslems to die as martyrs. Yes, it is. No, no… that was long ago. Jihad is no longer required from us. That was at the beginning. In fact, some of the greatest scholars said, after the last war with the polytheists in Saudi Arabia, “He who wants jihad shall know that small jihad is done and the bigger jihad is starting, the internal jihad for a better life”. Yes! That’s the answer. Jihad was by sword at the beginning, but now jihad is just the internal struggle. This guy, Ted was about to confuse me, I thought. It’s impossible that Allah would ask us to kill innocent people. War is never a good thing! Fighting is sinful and in a war, there are no winners; everyone is a loser.

After those two weeks, which passed very slowly, I attended a speech by a Muslim scholar saying: “Who said jihad is gone?” Jihad will not be gone at all. Muslims have to fight others for the sake of God. Here, I got confused again. Does Allah obligate us to fight or not? I then decided that I am not to continue with my life in the United States until I find an answer to this issue. “My whole life shall stop until I find an answer to Jihad, is it an obligation that we forgot and now the West is reminding us to do? Or what?”

A month later, I was ready with the answer to this question, so I emailed Ted again saying:
“I shall start my email by the Islamic greeting, “Peace with you Ted”. If you recall, I’m Happ. I emailed you two months ago concerning what you wrote in your online website about Islam. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I apologize for the delay in answering your questions. I have to admit that I followed your advice and I studied my religion again in order to give you the answer and here it is,

In Islam, the word jihad, for the lack of a better word, means struggle, internal and external. When the word is mentioned generally, with specification, it means fighting. What happened in September 11 had nothing to do with jihad for many reasons, from which the first one is that in Islam, and even in the most extreme cases, no one can kill civilians. Children, women and old people are not to be killed. Buildings and trees shall not be harmed. Whenever the prophet peace be upon him sent troops to fight, he ordered them to make sure not to harm anyone who is not holding his sword against them.

A second reason is that in Islam, jihad is not a sudden war. There has to be an announcement of war and negotiations of other solutions before fighting. An announcement of jihad has to be made by a person of authority such as the president. Not anyone can announce jihad and for an announcement of jihad, there has to be a reason. In Islam, killing people without a reasonable cause is a huge crime. God says in the Koran:

“Therefore We prescribed for the Children of Israel
that whose slays a soul not to retaliate
for a soul slain, nor for corruption
done in the land, shall be as if he had
slain mankind altogether; and whose
gives life to a soul, shall be as if he had
given life to mankind altogether.” Koran 5:32

In fact, sometimes even if there is a reason, Moslems are recommended to act as nicely as they can. Did you read what the son of Adam peace be upon him said to his brother when he approached him to kill him. In the Koran, God says:
“Yet if thou stretchest out thy hand against
me, to slay me, I will not stretch out my hand
against thee, to slay thee; I fear God,
the Lord of all Being.” Koran 5:28

God also says that we have to be nice, even to our enemies:

“Not equal are the good deed and the evil deed.
Repel with that which is fairer
And behold, he between whom and thee
There is enemy shall be as if he were
A loyal friend.” Koran 41:34

Even though the American policies are not just dealing with the Moslem countries, we as Moslems follow the rules that God set for us in the Koran as He says:
“O believers, be you securers of
justice, witnesses for God. Let not
detestation for a people move you
not to be equitable; be equitable-
that is nearer to god-fearing.
And fear God; surely God is aware of
The things you do. Koran 5:8

Besides I have to say that as far as I know, there is no clear evidence that what happened in Manhattan have been done by Moslems.

Now, you might be asking yourself, so where exactly is the confusion? and why is it that Moslems are portrayed as terrorists? Well, in the Koran, God talked the following subjects:
First, He gave people the right to choose their faiths and no one can force them to join any religion. God says:
“No compulsion is there in religion.
Rectitude has become clear from error.” Koran 2:256

God also says:
“And if thy Lord had willed, whoever
is in the earth would have believed,
all of them, all together. Wouldst thou
then constrain the people, until
they are believers?” Koran 10:99

Second, God in the Koran asks us not to fight, except when some fight us. This means that the rule is peace and the exception is the fighting. This is not something that is only in Islam. In fact, every human should live peacefully, but when someone attacks him, his natural reaction will be to defend himself. God says:
“God forbids not, as regards those who have not
fought you in your religion’s cause, nor expelled you
from your habitations, that you should be kindly
to them, and act justly towards them; surely
God loves the just.” Koran 60:8

In addition, God says that even if some people fought us, but then they asked for peace, we should go for it, He says:

“If they withdraw
from you, and do not fight you, and offer you
peace, then God assigns not any way
to you against them.” Koran 4:90

These verses made sure that Moslems do not fight anyone wrongly. These verses maintain the rights of non Moslems for good. However, after that God reveals other verses, which some people say that they abrogated these verses above. Abrogation is something that might happen in the Koran, but it has many conditions and it has to be proven that the prophet peace be upon him said that such and such verses are abrogated by such and such verses. Otherwise, no one can claim that something in the Koran is not to be followed. So finally, I am going to discuss the verses that are claimed to be the “sword verses” which obligate Moslems to fight everyone who is not a Moslem.
In one of these verses, God says:

“Then, when the sacred months are drawn away,
slay the idolaters wherever you find them,
and take them, and confine them, and lie in wait
for them at every place of ambush. But if they
repent, and perform the prayer, and pay the alms, then
let them go their way;
God is All-forgiving, All-compassionate.” Koran 9:5

People, who say that this verse orders Moslems to kill every non Moslem, took it from its context. This verse was talking about a certain group of the idolaters, whom the prophet peace be upon him had a convention with, and they did not fulfill it. Instead, they agreed to help his enemies, so God asked the prophet peace be upon him to fight them because they betray him, but if they repel, God said that may not fight them. An evidence for that is the verse that comes next to that one in which God says:

“And if any of the idolaters seeks of thee
protection, grant him protection till he hears
the words of God; then do thou convey him to his
place of security-that because they are a people
who do not know.” Koran 9:6

This clearly shows that Moslems should not fight the non Moslems. In fact, they should protect them when they need. In addition, some people claim when God says:
“And fight the unbelievers totally
even as they fight you totally” Koran 9:36

He meant that Moslems have to fight every unbeliever and that’s not true. If we look at this verse from its beginning, God was talking about the four sacred months, in which fighting is not allowed for Moslems. However, if the unbelievers gathered to fight the Moslems in these four months, Moslems have to unite and forget their own problems within. This is not to say that Moslems have to fight everyone.

Another verse that I want to discuss is the verse you mentioned in your first email, in which God says:

“Fight those who believe not in God and the Last Day
and do not forbid what God and His Messenger
have forbidden-such men as practise not the
religion of truth, being of those who have been given
the Book-until they pay the tribute out of hand
and have been humbled.” Koran 9:29

This verse was revealed in Tabook war, which was between Moslems and the Roman Empire. The reason for that war was that the Roman Empire had its armies ready and wanted to fight Moslems, so God here ordered Moslems to fight them back. The description in the verse was not to set a rule that anyone who matches this description should be fought. This was only a description of the Roman Empire at that time. In the other verse that you mentioned, God says:

“Make ready for them whatever force and
strings of horses you can, to terrify thereby
the enemy of God and your enemy, and others
besides them that you know not; God knows them.
And whatsoever you spend in the way
of God shall be repaid you in full;
you will not be wronged.” Koran 8:60

To find an answer to your question about this verse, you just need to read the verse next to that one, God says:

“And if they incline to peace, do thou incline
to it; and put thy trust in God; He is
the All-hearing. The All-knowing” Koran 8:61
The last verse you mentioned was about when God orders:
“O believers, fight the unbelievers who are near to you,
and let them find in you a harshness; and know that God
is with god-fearing” Koran 9:123

In short, this verse was to tell Moslems a good strategy of war. When many people fight them at the same time, they should start by the nearer ones first. This was not to give a law that Moslems should fight the unbelievers, it’s just a strategy for war time.
So as you see my friend Ted, God never tells Moslems to fight anyone. But as any other nations, we have the right to defend our selves when somebody attacks us. People, who are trying to convince others that Islam is about violence, take the verses from their context and use them as they wish to gain what they want.
Please forgive for sending such a long email.”

The next day, Ted sent an email saying:
"al salamu 3laikom brother, OLD information"

Whatever right i wrote is from Allah... Whatever wrong I wrote is from me and al shay6an... Allah a3lam .

The world is a big math exam

2003-12-24T13:35:00.000-08:00

Finishing my exam, i could not have been happier. It was so easy. i could see the challenges in it, but as usual, i loved it..
After the exam, i was joking with some friends who were trying to discuss the exam and i said: "i'm not gonna discuss it cause i'm happy .... and i don't wanna find my mistakes"

Couple minutes later, 2 errors were found heheh ... one was something tinny ...maybe wrong maybe not....
but the other one!!!! umm .. i was thanking in the exam ..why are they asking us to plug 3000, 4000, 6000 in such an equation... something like x cube + x square.. and something ..

that's stupid.... i got some freeking numbers... something with 11 zeros or so ... wow!>.. but i realized after the exam that i was supposed to plug 3, 4, 6, only and that they indicated that ...

i might have been so confident in my self that i didn't even read the question ........ That was so stupid thing i did... but in this, i'm not the only one... actually, i'm fine, because not reading that question affected me only .. (my grade) but did not affect everyone who was taking the exam..

However, when leaders of some countries don't find the problem .. don't read their questions and then go ahead trying to get answers... they get something crazy ... and they feel confident that it's the true answer... but as a matter of fact, it's nothing .... it's a solution for a different problem ... sometimes it's the solution times 10,000,000,000, as i did ... and in other times it's the solution devided by that same number...

So i learned that math mistakes are usually made because we don't read the questions as they are.. we read them as we think they are, and that's exactly why the leaders of the world fail taking their exams daily... basicly, they don't take the time to read the questions .. they over react ... or don't react!

Our world is a big math exam and we need to solve it!
So i learned that math mistakes are usually made because we don't read the questions as they are.. we read them as we think they are, and that's exactly how the leaders of the world fail their exams daily

Love letter... emotions in islam

2003-12-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

The letter summing the emotional struggle up:

At one night, I sat on my desk, putting my laptop in front of me and imagining my self in a situation where I would loose control over my feelings and my soul would meet another soul, an atheist girl . After a while I gained back my emotional control and I was put in a tough situation, a hard choice, to leave or to stay. To stay, I had to sacrifice my spirituality because in Islam, it is not lawful to marry an atheist. To leave, I would drink poison and my soul mate would drink it, too.
I chose, not to die, but to leave for a day in which we will meet. For me to chose to leave would be painful but reasonable, but for my soul mate to be left, is not acceptable or understandable. I left and one year later, I decided that I would love to meet her again. But if she stays the same way she is, according to the divine message, we are not to meet again. I decided to tell her the reason why I left and to give her the choice as I had my choice, to meet or not to meet. I sent her a message after message, three of them, along with the map that shows the path, I described as the path of meeting.

You are my true love, but…

My dear friend,
I really spent a great time being with you. I loved you and since I left you, I haven't been feeling well. I wish I could meet you again but at the same time, I wish not to see you...
you are the one who knows the reason. You were my whole life and you are still my life. I’m sure you know that, but please don't put more pressure on me and keep in mind that even if you are my whole life, my whole life is nothing when I put it in the scale of my love to God… Nothing, I swear, nothing!
The meeting place by no means would be in this life. If you truly love me, prepare to meet me in another place where time and location will not be able to divide us.
With love and respect, someone who truly loved you and whose love to you will not run off even after the last breath.

Someone who breathed your sweetness, missed it, and never would I forget how it tastes.

Happ!

This was my first message, which was followed by these two messages and the map.

My dear,
for the last few days, I have been trying to find a way to get into your heart. I know that there is a palace that has been built for me inside. I have no doubt that if I give you my new number, you will never refuse to give me calls and calls, but my ears won't listen. Not because your voice is not beautiful; your voice is something that I fly when listening to. When my eyes first came across your eyes, I was about to jump. It was more effective than magic and I could tell that energy moved from my eyes through your eyes getting to your heart. I know how much you loved me, and I am sure you know how much I love you.

Last night, I got fed up with the papers I always write your name in. Sometimes, I stretch the “S” and in other times, I tried to stretch the “L” to be an “R”. However, last night and only last night, I realized that drawing your name will not stop my brain from counting the minutes. So I said: "the answer may be in poetry." Then, I spent the whole night trying to write a phrase, a phrase that would express the feelings I carried for you, but sadly, I couldn't... I was in a state of "feelinglessness"

In my eye you were left,
And from your life, I shall drift.

I realized that whatever time I would spend writing or drawing, I would never be able to express how I feel towards you. Your eyes will never be deleted from my memory. Never would I be able to press the backspace button to delete your name. I simply can't! But what I can tell you for certain is that I can write your name again and again and before it, I shall write: “O God... O God ... I loved this person and I'm leaving her for your sake and I pray that You bring us together, in your will...please God, I beg of you to bring us back together, if not in this life, then, in the next life, in the hereafter.” Amen.

I don't know whether you believe in God and his power or not, but I will remind by then, that God is the most powerful. My tears prevent me from continuing, but I assure you that I will never stop praying that God bring you to the right path. I do not want to meet you in any other paths. It's only this one. It's either that we meet in this path or not meet at all....

Your true love,
Happ

And this was my last message

Do you remember when we were arguing who between us was the one whose eyes came across the eyes of the other first? Now, I am bringing back the argument again because I want to make sure that we know who the one who took his eyes first was, and who was the one who left.

I know that you know the answer. I know how much you tried hard to find me after I left and I know that you stopped. I don't know why you stopped, but I can guess. Love is a candle, my dear. If this candle is kept isolated from air, it will eventually die. This candle tries hard and hard to find air if it is taken from it. I hope you know where the problem lies; air is easy to be found, but what kind of air are we looking for, for our candle. Know, O my dear, that a poisoned air is not better than “no” air.

In order to find the right air for our candle, I left. I left searching for the air; the pure air in which our candle can healthily survive.

I will never stop writing for you, but to avoid letting our candle to breath from a poisoned air, with pain, I decided... I decided that this would be the last letter you would receive from me. The rest of my letters, if you want to read them, will be given to you later; not in this life, but in a life where there is nothing but pure air. I would ask you to please work with me to build the palace that we will live in, where our candle will be able to breath and survive. However, you should know that if you put no efforts to find that pure air, we will not meet again.
With pain and love ... for a pure air, I leave you for a day to be, a day that I pray God I will see you in....

with a very deep love,
Happ

This is the map if you want to find the air:

Step 1: Half an hour before the morning, wake up and go to a place of a clear sky, look toward the East. Remember how you always told me that you love to smell the East that is embodied in me. However, this time, don't only smell the East, instead, put all your senses on alert. Stare at the East while the beautiful yellowish sun rises slowly. Try your best to hear how it is trying to communicate with you... Also, do you feel the air moving around you? It is the wind... I know how cold it is, for many years, I suffered from it and tried to stop it but I failed. I also tried to change the yellowish color of the sun to be green, but I failed. I wonder why I failed!

Step 2: Don't go home! Go to the beach... can you hear it? It's seems like if the ocean is fighting with someone. Why is it that the ocean is always waving his hands, hitting the sand of the beach? Why? Why is it that people are fighting all over the world? And if there is someone that listens and sees those people, think of it, why doesn't he stop them. If he has the power, as I say, why don't we see it? Search for an answer and you will find it.

Step 3: slowly start getting into the ocean... leave the beach and unite with the water. Try your best to touch the floor. Stay under the water for a while; do you need to breath? Don't go up. Struggle with your self to stay under the water as long as you can... “Do this for me”, “please”.
Why do you think we can't stay under water for a longer time even though trillions of creatures are there? Are we part of a game? Who is playing with us and who is controlling us?

Step 4: at night, when everything looks different, and dark, take your phone and give a call for your friends overseas. Ask them how does it look like there? It is not dark there, why? Is it because the sun is visiting them right now? Why does it go there? Are you telling me it is part of a system? But, how does this system work? Can a system work perfectly this way without having someone to "systemize" it? And tell me, why are we here? Don’t tell me because it happens, and the factors affected other things that made us exists. Don't expect me to believe what someone said:
"To find a justification for the world’s existence has no justification"

Do you know what I believe in? I believe that for every origin, there should be an originator. When I see a mess, I know that there is a “messer”, when I see a bomb; I know that someone made it. When I see a house, I know that many people built it. When I see how beautiful you are, I know that some one made you this way, have you ever waken up in the morning and found that your make up was on your face without you doing it? Never, right? So why do you expect me when I see a picture taken by NASA of our universe, not to believe that someone made it?
If simple things are expected to be made by someone, why do not we think that complicated things should have a creator? Do you see what I mean?

Finally, recall: when you were part of your mother. Do you remember? I’m sure you can at least picture something in her belly. You were very tinny creature, swimming in a liquid. Then you grew up, but you were kept in that water until you were born, right?

Now get out of your mother and climb up, up and up! As you are going up, you are getting further and further from the Earth. I know that it is getting smaller. The sun is getting tinny and reddish too. Everything is getting smaller and smaller, and everything is moving. It's seems that everything is swimming too. Now open your mouth and get inside yourself. Go deep... very deep... As deep as you can… inside, you see walls everywhere. Hit one of them. Get into it. Wow! It’s built from similar blocks. Get inside one of the blocks; do you see the picture that you saw few minutes earlier. Everything is swimming in a liquid. Why do you think this is happening? Is it because everything was under the same conditions? Maybe, but tell me where did these conditions came from?

O dear, I don't need to remind you by the meeting we should hold. If this whole map has not convinced you by anything, then I challenge you to give me the reason why… why I left? What kind of power could take us a part? Can you explain it to me? My love to you is some that neither you, nor anyone else can challenge, but give me any word in your vocabulary that can summarize the reason I left. Nothing until now!!! Then, I would ask you to add the word God to your vocabulary because it is the key to the door of our palace, the palace that we should be building to meet in.

For a day to be,
Happ.

After writing these letters, Happ felt very satisfied with what he decided to do. He did not blindly scarify his life and his soul mate. He reached a conclusion that he can both meet his soul meet in addition to not scarifying his religion. However, in this, he was asking another person to join him, scarifying her life and her source of spirituality.